Fortressed
by bikelock28
Summary: Short fic to explain a couple of things I wondered about in 8.19 The Fortress.
1. Chapter 1

**My sister said that in 8.19 ****_The Fortress _****Barney has a nipple piercing. I said that was ridiculous but she looked it up, and lo and behold he does. I still thought it was a bit weird for him, so I wrote this.**

**Set between 8.17 ****_The Ashtray_****and 8.19 ****_The Fortress_****, with some reference to ****_Murtagh _****and ****_Disaster Averted._**

A couple of days after The Captain calls, she comes home to find him admiring his chest in the bathroom mirror, his shirt folded neatly beside the sink.

"You're not jacking off to your reflection again, are you?"

"What?-" he wheels round, "No. Okay, I perhaps I will in a minute, but actually at the moment I was looking because- well, I'm thinking of getting a pierced nipple,"

She gapes at him for a moment, then bursts out laughing.

"No, I'm serious," he protests, offended.

"Pfft! Are you kidding? _You?"_

"Yeah, me. What's that supposed to mean?"

"Wait, you're really serious?" she clarifies, taking a few breaths to steady herself.

"_Yes._ Don't you think it's a good idea?"

"I thought you had a classic clean-cut look that never goes out of style?"

"I guess, but-"

"Won't it rip your shirts or something?"

"Of course not. Stop laughing- a nipple piercing is cool, Scherbatsky,"

"If you say so,"

"So you're okay with it, right? I'm sure it won't, like, cut your boob during sex or something. Or your back. Or your-"

"Thanks for your consideration. Might be weird though, when I'm, you know, sucking you,"

"It's my nipple, not my cock,"

"I suppose you've got another one though. Nipple, not cock. This is getting weird,"

"Totally,"

"Can I ask _why _exactly you want this?"

He leans on the sink. "It's _super_ hot. It's like someone kind of touching you there all day; total turn-on. Plus, it's cool. Steve Vai's got one,"

"Who?"

"Steve Va- oh my God, you don't know who that is? Why am I marrying you?"

"Thanks,"

"Anyway, I've always sort of wanted one, but I was- well, I thought that I could be getting undressed with a girl and she'd see it and not like it and she wouldn't sleep with me. But I've got you now, so it's not a deal-breaker,"

"Go ahead if you want. I don't care,"

"Awesome," he says, pecking her cheek, "Hmm, now you're here I won't have to bother jacking off to my reflection,"

"Freak," she teases as she runs her hands across his bare shoulders.

"Are you kidding? You used to watch yourself on TV, remember?"

"Mmm, true,"

"Yeah, but there's no need for that now with me, right?" he beams, as she moves her hand down to stroke her fingers across his abs.

"I don't know. We could still try it,"

"So a threesome with yourself is acceptable?"

"Well, yeah. It'd be pretty cool with your giant TV,"

Barney rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I'm in,"

* * *

"Well, I've got it done," he announces proudly, pulling up a chair at the booth a week after Ted and Jeanette's break-up

"Ooh, let's see," clamours Lily, leaning across Marshall. Beaming smugly, Barney flicks his tie out of the way and undoes the middle buttons of his shirt to reveal a tiny silver bar through his right nipple.

Ted winces. "Did it hurt?"

"Probably not as much as your tramp stamp removal,"

"Can I touch it?" asks Lily.

"It's pretty sensitive at the mo- aah!" he squeals as Robin and Lily instantly reach for the piercing bar and start flicking it, "_Ow!_ Stop it!"

He elbows them away and buttons his shirt back up.

"It doesn't seem very you," notes Ted, adjusting Marvin's position on his knee.

"Right," Robin agrees, "That's what I said,"

"What's next- a motorbike?" teases Marshall.

"It's not weird. I've wanted one for years," Barney shrugs.

"What if it goes green like your ear did that time!?" suggests Marshall excitedly.

"Nah, it won't. I got it done properly,"

"Let me see again," says Robin.

"Okay, but be gentle. It hurts,"

"I was being gentle!"

"You weren't, you were flicking it way too hard!"

"Woah, save _that _argument for the bedroom," Marshall chips in.

Barney reluctantly unbuttons his shirt again, and Robin rubs her thumb lightly across his piercing (admittedly, stroking her fiancé's bare chest in a busy bar is odd), "Hmm, I don't know... I don't love it,"

"Lucky it's my nipple not yours then," he retorts.

"Is it there forever?" asks Ted.

"I have to leave it in for six weeks so the hole doesn't close up, then I can take it out or get a different stud,"

"You're loving all this attention, aren't you?" says Lily, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, you could get one too," Barney suggests to her, "Now Marvin's on solid food it won't screw up feeding him,"

"Oh my God, imagine breast-feeding with a pierced nipple," laughs Robin, "The milk would just go everywhere,"

They all fall about giggling, except for Lily.

"You guys wouldn't laugh if you knew what it was like to have a screaming hungry monster slobbering and sucking the life out of you. It isn't as cute as it looks in baby books,"

"Sorry, dude," Ted whispers to Marvin.

"You know about my hidden cameras at your place- you think I haven't watched?" asks Barney.

"Seriously, you have to tell us where those cameras are," says Marshall.

"Yeah, and at your place, too," adds Robin.

"And mine," chips in Ted.

"And in here as well," says Lily.

Barney just winks, taps the side of his nose and says, "Mermaid Theory, remember, Lil?"

She tips her head in a _Yeah, true _way. Barney buttons his shirt up for a second time, and arranges his tie back into place.

"Anyway, how's work with the Captain?"

"Busy," she replies, "_Way _harder than lesson planning for kindergarteners,"

"You're telling me!" says Barney, "We've hardly seen you in here the last fortnight!"

Without looking, he and Marshall share a celebratory using-cool-British-words fist-bump.

"We all need our Mom back," says Ted- and everyone knows that he isn't only talking about Marvin. There's a moment of morose silence, before Robin launches into, "Hey, speaking of that time Barney's ear turned green- remember that time Barney's ear turned green?"

"That was awesome," says Marshall.

"It was not! You guys never consider the mental torture of hearing your ear. Hearing the organ that you hear with. That kind of paradox could tear a hole in the universe!"

Predictably, this leads into a lengthy discussion of Barney's top ten injuries, Ted's top ten injuries, and general disasters, accidents and infectch-es which have befallen the gang over the years.

Barney leaves that night feeling rather panicked- given his track record which they've spent all evening discussing, there are about a hundred and one ways in which this new piercing could be a threat to his health and safety.

He renews his medical insurance and checks his apartment for bears.

**Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Please review to let me know what you thought!**

**Chapter 2 (again related to 8.19, but unrelated to this chapter) will be up soon. Thanks again, have a brilliant day.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Ho-Be-Gone sleep system was really only a sight gag, but I thought it could do with some follow-up. Bit of violence, but I think it's legit because we know from 7.13 and 9.03 that Robin doesn't have qualms about whacking Barney one when he deserves it. This chapter isn't all hearts and flowers, but I wrote most of it before the finale so it should work whether you include or disregard the finale as canon.**

"I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A _LIVING HELL!"_

Well, he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it, right? At least tonight's problem's solved. Smiling to himself, Barney hops into his second bed, pulls the covers up, and turns out the light.

* * *

Bang. Bang.

He rolls over groggily, assuming that the angry knocking sound is in his head or his dream.

Bang! Bang-bang-bang!

"Shut up," Barney mutters under his breath, pressing his face into the pillow.

_Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-BANG!_

It's definitely a bang now, not a knock, and it's relentless. Barney doubts that the banger will go away unless he answers, so peels his face away from the pillow and stumbles out of bed, wiping the sleep from his eyes with the back of his arm.

It's only when Barney turns around to put the covers neatly back into position that he remembers Robin and the Ho-Be-Gone sleep system.

Well, that answers the question of whose banging on the door.

At least it's not the Koreans.

"'Kay, wake up, Stinson," he mumbles to himself. Robin's going to be livid at him so he'd better be on the ball. It occurs to Barney briefly that he could _not_ let Robin in- but that would only make her even madder at him, and he won't last long barricaded in here- so he may as well get this over with.

The banging continues as he slips a t-shirt from his drawer on and walks through to the front door, flattening his hair.

_Okay. Here goes._

Barney opens the door.

She slaps him across the face, so hard that he lurches sideways, and then she slaps him again with the back of her left hand, the stone in her engagement ring catching painfully on his cheek. He stumbles into the wall, managing a faint, "Ow,"

She ignores him.

"I probably did deser-ah!" Barney protests as Robin slams her fist into his stomach.

"You-are- the- world's-biggest-"

_"__Ow!_ Stop hitting me!"

"Dick," she finishes, punching him again.

"Sure you don't want to change the 'are' to a 'have'?" he croaks.

"Oh my God-"

"Wait, stop, stop!" he staggers backwards, "I'm sorry, that wasn't funny,"

She ignores him. "You know, if I took this engagement ring off right now and shoved it down your throat, that would be being kind. Most women would walk out and never come back,"

That stops him. Suddenly Barney's stomach feels hollow and empty- and that's nothing to do with the fact that she's just winded him there.

"But you're not goi- you're not- not-" he stammers, aghast.

"No, I'm not, but I'm going to make you sleep on the couch for the rest of the week. Possibly the rest of the _year,"_ she threatens, "And you are never, _ever _going to use that fucking bed thing on me ever again. I'm not going to threaten you because we're not even going to contemplate it happening. Understand?"

"Yes," he squeaks.

"And you are never going to treat me like one of your stupid bimbos. Jesus, Barney, I thought you understood that there's a difference between your wife and some twenty-two-year-old you ran a play on. I thought you proposed thinking that I was more than some…sex doll who doesn't have an opinion worth listening to!"

"That's not fair! You know you're different!"

"Oh, and shutting me in a wall with your ho- removal system made me feel different," Robin retorts sardonically, "Because that's the way arguments get solved. That's how relationships work,"

"That's what we did before, isn't it? We'd argue and I'd leave,"

"And see how well that went! We made each other miserable!" she takes a breath, "Talking stuff through is lame, we know it is, but that's what we're going to have to do if this is going to work. Unless you're getting cold feet about if this is what you really want,"

Barney doesn't know if it's a threat or a challenge or an admission, but this _is_ what he wants. Him and Robin together.

That much he does know.

"Of course this is what I want,"

"Start acting like it then! Maybe by treating me like someone whose opinion you care about. Or listening to at least, not packing me off into a wall- which, by the way, leads into the elevator shaft,"

"It does?"

"Yeah, and lucky for you there aren't any corpses there,"

"Awesome. That might save me a giant legal bill one day," he tries to smirk.

"You can't treat anyone like that, you know," she says, returning to the subject at hand, "Using it on your parade of one-night-stands is bad enough, but you _can't _on your future wife. You just can't. I'd have thought even _you_ would have learnt that by now,"

The last remark hurts but not as much as the bitterness in her tone. Although at least she's stopped shouting.

"I'm- I'm trying, okay?" Barney says in a smaller voice, "Honestly. We say we're as bad as each other at relationships, but I'm worse. We both know it, and I'm _trying_, okay? Trying not to fuck this up,"

"You're not trying very hard,"

"Perhaps I thought I was but I actually haven't been. Or maybe I'm so shit at relationships that even when I try as hard as I can I'm still terrible. But I don't want to screw this up; I'm not losing you again". God knows they've lost each other enough times. "I'll…try harder,"

"This, and The Playbook and- can you see that it… it disproves what we both want to believe. It makes it seem like you're not in this for the long haul, even though you say you are. Even though you think you are,"

Her voice is quiet but he can't detect any fear or accusation in it.

"What can I say then?" Barney answers glumly, after a pause, "I mean, I swear to you I'm in this for good, but…you mean that though I say I'm in this for ever and I want to make you happy, I do stuff that makes you think I don't mean it. Right?"

She nods but doesn't look at him. He has to admit that an I-love-you speech wouldn't work in this situation. If Robin doubts what he says, then what can he say?

Barney settles on a quiet, "Okay,"

"You deserve another slap but I think that would undermine what I said about talking," she notes.

"Yeah, let's go with that," he sighs. He isn't trying to make her laugh so he isn't disappointed when her mouth remains a tight line.

"I'm mad, though," Robin adds.

"I know,"

He doubts that even an apology will work, and- because he didn't think what he did was wrong at the time- he isn't sure if it's the time to apologise.

"Well g'night," he says awkwardly. Robin nods vaguely and heads towards the bedroom. Barney takes half a step to follow her, but the look she shoots him makes him swivel to make it seem as if he was going into the kitchen. He pours himself a glass of water, downs it, then goes back to the couch and lies down with his feet propped up on the arm rest.

Barney rubs a hand over his face tiredly, and replays their argument in his head, thinking about what she said- _really _thinking about it, because if that's what keeping Robin takes then that's what he has to do. "_You just can't. I'd have thought even you would have learnt that by now". _Truth is, he hasn't learnt- not much, anyway (not enough?). He knows he was right when he told her that he's worse at relationships than she'll ever be. Barney thinks back to rolling out of bed and cranking the Ho-Be-Gone bed removal system- he hadn't felt an ounce of guilt. It seemed a logical step to get rid of her when she was annoying him. He groans. Forget Robin 101, he needs Relationship 101. Or even How To Treat A Woman 101.

_Of course_ he doesn't _want_ to change- when they dated before, he proudly proclaimed that he didn't have to. Part of Barney still wants to believe that, and hates that other part of himself; the part which knows he_needs_ to change. Then there's a third part which doesn't listen to the other two and what they want- just knows that he _has _to change if he wants to give their relationship has any chance of success. That bit of Barney will sit through hours of Ted's stupid lectures- even Ted's stupid _architecture_ lectures- if it'll make him be better in this relationship. Because he's awesome, but he feels more awesome when Robin runs a hand through his hair, or gasps his name as he makes her come, or bursts into the apartment with something to tell him (no way is it being Teddish or over-romantic if all this makes _him _feel more awesome, okay?).

Barney sighs tiredly, and despite the admissions and compromises being confessed in his head, it isn't long until he falls asleep.

It's only later that he decides to give up his apartment for her, to show that he can try and he can compromise and he _is _in this for the long haul.

It's only later, when he sees her crying and holding hands with Ted in the rain, that he wonders if she is too.

**Thanks for reading. Whatever your opinion, please drop me a review.**


End file.
